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"Why Haven't I Been Healed Yet?": Understanding Your (and God's) Role in  Healing

11/7/2016

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“Why haven’t I been healed yet?”
 
Have you ever asked yourself this question? I hear this one frequently in therapy as people seek help with emotional struggles. They want answers to deep questions of the heart, and they want them now. When time continues to reveal steady weakness, they feel frustrated and discouraged. Because they can’t see progress, they resign themselves to believe that they will always struggle with that. one. thing.
 
How tempting to feel discouraged by our weaknesses! How easy to think that, just because we struggle, we are defined by our trial. How unfortunate to assume that, “This is who I am. This is the way it will always be.”
 
Whatever the struggle—depression, anxiety, grief, marital strife, difficulty trusting others, past trauma, addiction—we can grow impatient with ourselves and expect instant success. When faced with the reality of our situation, we can blame ourselves for not improving fast enough; we can blame others for hurting us; we can even blame God for seemingly sitting back and doing nothing. As a therapist, I have seen individuals assume one of three roles—and consequent beliefs—as they navigate through the arduous healing process. Let’s address each one. We might see a reflection of ourselves and move even closer to healing that lasts.
 
ROLE #1: THE PASSIVE BYSTANDER
 
When we seek emotional healing, we can feel tempted to assume a passive role. We may admit our shortcomings or talk with a friend, but then we stop doing the work. We bump up against a wall and feel tired of trying. We give up prematurely. Individuals who fall in this category lack follow-through and may give in to laziness and despair. They think, “God will take care of everything,” but then fail to take advantage of the resources He has placed in their path. They haven’t yet called that counselor whom someone recommended they see. If they’re already in therapy, perhaps they haven’t made homework a true priority. They haven’t been vulnerable with their friend about that ‘something’ weighing on their heart. Or if they have opened up, they find themselves lacking authentic accountability.
 
ROLE #2: THE SELF-HELP-ER
 
While some individuals may be tempted to take a passive role in their healing, others may be tempted to fall into the opposite extreme—shifting into over-drive and stopping at nothing to GET BETTER NOW. Individuals who fall into this category find themselves grasping for control and using their own resources. They have asked God for healing, but He hasn’t responded according to their timeframe. They think, “God doesn’t care about me. If He did, He would have healed me already,” or “God won’t come through for me.”  They lack trust in God because they have been disappointed so many times before. They shove Him out, avoiding honest conversations with Him. Consequently, their prayer life suffers. They find themselves restless, dissatisfied, and burnt out.
 
ROLE #3: THE RECEPTIVE & ACTIVE COLLABORATOR
 
Healing takes time. Oftentimes, so much longer than we would like. We expect immediate healing, but healing is a process. A journey. In order to progress towards deeper healing and freedom, we must take on a role that is receptive and active. This means balancing the temptation to either give up to soon or take everything into our own hands. A receptive participant acknowledges his or her weakness and desire for healing and then fully releases the healing timeframe to God. An active participant seeks healing in all areas of life—including the physical, emotional, and spiritual – and is willing to do his or her part of the work in each area. We are called to collaborate with God, the Divine Healer. We are His co-workers! (1 Cor. 3:9) And sometimes that means accepting that His timing is not our own.
 
PRACTICAL WAYS TO LIVE OUT ACTIVE RECEPTIVITY
 
What does living as a receptive and active collaborator look like? We are called to take care of ourselves on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. This means first addressing our basic, physical needs—getting enough sleep (7-9 hours each night),[1] regularly exercising,[2] and eating three healthy meals a day.[3] If we have been diagnosed with specific health concerns, we need to address those diligently by caring for our bodies as qualified health practitioners recommend, even if it may be burdensome. 
 
On an emotional level, seeking professional help (or at least the help of a trusted mentor) can literally help us “re-wire” neurological pathways in our brains that have been negative for so long and rebuild new and healthy ones. Scientists refer to this phenomenon as neuroplasticity, meaning our brains are quite adaptable.[4]
 
On a spiritual level, the receptive and active collaborator pays attention to the little ways that God is speaking each day. They allow the words of trusted friends, family, spiritual mentors, and counselors to move their hearts. They listen attentively to the words of the daily Mass readings or other daily devotions, and ask God what He wants to teach or show them. They recognize the blessings in their lives and intentionally thank God for them. Acknowledging that their healing takes time, hard work, patience, and humility, they choose to trust that God wants to walk with them throughout everything.
 
POWER MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS
 
Maybe you feel as if you are doing all these things and you still have not achieved the healing you would like. Maybe you feel stuck and don’t know what else to do. Father Mike Schmitz, international speaker and campus minister at University of Minnesota, Deluth, gives a six-minute talk titled, “What Does God Want Me to Do?” and gives practical tips on how to figure out what God wants us to do next.[5] He explains that God will not expect you to answer a question that He hasn’t already given you an answer to. This means that everything we need to do has already been revealed to us. We don’t need to fret about how on earth we will achieve perfect healing, and how it must happen NOW; we need only take the small, day-to-day steps that we already know we need to do. And God will take care of the rest.
 
Most of all, we must pray for the grace to fully surrender our healing to Jesus and to trust in Him more fully. Saint Paul wrestled with his own weakness, too. He begged the Lord three times to take it away. But he surrendered his understanding and proclaimed, “His grace is sufficient for me, for power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9). Jesus is the Divine Healer. His thoughts are not our thoughts; our ways are not His ways (Is 55:8). His time is a mystery, and He desires us to surrender that to Him. He yearns for our trust. May He make our hearts receptive as we actively seek His will in our healing!

​In His Heart,

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My (New) New Year's Resolution: I Will Strive to Love Myself

1/27/2016

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How many times have you made a New Year’s resolution, found yourself more than half-way through January having failed miserably, and then proceeded to bash yourself?

I know I have.

The start of another year exudes newness and possibility. We eagerly write goals on a fresh piece of notebook paper and promise ourselves that we will accomplish various things, such as beginning a devotional, sticking with a workout routine, or finally finishing that project.

But what happens when we inevitably miss a day of devotional reading? Skip out on a workout class? Postpone the next step of the project?

If you’re anything like me, you may beat yourself up and tear yourself down. We tell ourselves we should be better. We accuse ourselves and say things like, “I’m a failure,” “I’m a loser,” “I’m fat,” “I’ll never get over this.” We expect ourselves to be a machine in the realm of productivity, an Olympic athlete in the gym, or maintain the appearance of a photo-shopped model. We expect perfection.
The world’s idea of perfection consists of making no mistakes while flawlessly accomplishing goals. In a culture that values high personal achievement, success, and productivity, the pressure to relentlessly strive and set unrealistic expectations for ourselves is quite high. Correspondingly, so is the tendency to criticize ourselves when we don’t reach that level of “perfection.”

The world sees perfection in one way, but I propose another way. Perfection consists not in personal achievement but in LOVE. 

Although you may have already written down a goal or two for the new year, I suggest we set another goal, one that holds greater importance than all the rest: that we strive to love ourselves. To love ourselves does NOT mean over-indulging in unhealthy food, neglecting our daily duties, or making excuses for bad behavior. This idea of self-love leads to selfishness, isolation, and ultimately unhappiness. In the eyes of the Church, however, a genuine love of self leads to communion and joy.[i] It means recognizing our profound dignity as sons and daughters of God and treating ourselves with kindness and gentleness despite our weaknesses and failures.
As we begin this journey of loving ourselves, let us look to psychological research and wisdom from the saints to help us grow in the ways of love.
 
LOVE AND SELF-COMPASSION: WHAT THE RESEARCH SAYS

In the world of psychology, researchers refer to the practice of “loving ourselves” as self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading experts on self-compassion, first coined the term and has conducted much research on this topic. Instead of treating yourself harshly and critically during a time of difficulty, pain, or failure, she says, self-compassion means being kind and understanding toward yourself—despite how you may feel.[ii]

Researchers additionally refer to the practice of loving yourself as self-acceptance. One study looked at the habits most predictive of a person’s overall level of happiness. Among the 5,000 participants surveyed, the researchers found self-acceptance as the highest of the ten habits most strongly associated with happiness. The survey revealed, however, that acceptance was the least-practiced habit, generating the lowest average score among all of the participants. After answering the question, “How often are you kind to yourself and think you’re fine as you are?” the participants averaged a measly 5.6 out of 10 on the acceptance scale. Only 5% gave themselves a 10, and almost half (46%) rated themselves a 5 or less.[iii]

Another study conducted at the University of Texas in 2009 assessed a group of college students and found that those students who accepted themselves in the midst of stress despite feeling academically inadequate had greater levels of well-being.[iv] An additional study assessed the levels of four health-promoting areas of diet, exercise, sleep, and stress among 3,000 participants of all ages. Those who practiced self-compassion received higher results in the four above areas.[v] When we love ourselves, we excel in all areas of our life!

Among the many behaviors associated with self-compassion includes positive self-talk. This is the internal dialogue a person has with him or herself that is kind, gentle, optimistic, and affirmative. Studies have shown that engaging in positive self-talk is significantly associated with positive mental health outcomes such as less depression, less anxiety, and greater life satisfaction.[vi] Positive self-talk can also lead to greater confidence.[vii] The next time you feel like you’re a “failure” or a “loser,” try telling yourself, “I am more than capable” or “My identity does not lie in my accomplishments.” There are so many variations of positive self-talk, so be creative!    
 
HOW TO LOVE: WHAT SCRIPTURE & THE SAINTS SAY

The fifth chapter of Second Corinthians perfectly captures the hopefulness of a new year. Saint Paul writes, “Whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come” (v. 17).[viii] Our old selves may have engaged in destructive self-talk, but Christ yearns to make us new!

Jesus wants us to remember that we are temples of His Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19), [ix] and that this is our true identity. As temples, Jesus desires that we treat ourselves with the utmost goodness, patience, and respect. Christ only speaks in gentleness and love, not in accusations and condemnations. He wants us to treat ourselves the way He treats us. Since He never, ever speaks in the mean ways we so often speak to ourselves, then why do we?

Saint Francis de Sales once said, “Have patience with all things, but first of all yourself.”[x] Oftentimes we can be patient with others and not with ourselves. We tend to see the strengths in our friends and forget that they have weaknesses too. Loving ourselves means striving to grow in the virtue of patience. This striving takes time, however, and we must guard against discouragement.

Saint Josemaría Escrivá encouraged his readers in his book, Friends of God, to hope amidst difficulty. He wrote, “Personal experience shows, and you have often heard me tell you so, to warn you against discouragement, that our interior life consists in beginning again and again each day…The struggle is never ending… you often experience little setbacks, which at times perhaps may seem to you enormous…But do not lose your peace of mind.”[xi] Let us call upon the help of God and these wonderful saints as we strive to embrace the greatest of all virtues: love.
 
I KNOW I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF…BUT HOW?

Like anything, learning to speak to ourselves with love will take time. We may have treated ourselves harshly for years. But do not lose heart! Anything worth achieving will take hard work, and this January abounds with hope for you. Take some time to reflect on the unique ways God is calling you to begin to love yourself again. This may look different for each person. Ask the Lord how He is calling you to love yourself, and give Him time to respond. You may find He will give you some unexpected answers! In the meantime, you can refer to this list of ideas to help get you started: 
  • Start journaling. Don’t worry, this isn’t graded. Write down what you want, whenever you want. Let’s drop the standard that to own a journal means you must write in it every single day. Not true!
  • Take a minute break from work and breathe. Look out the window and absorb the sunshine. Treat your body to a stretch.
  • Ask yourself, “How would I treat my best friend if he or she were in my situation?”
  • Write down some encouraging scripture verses and tape them to a prominent place, like your mirror or refrigerator. (Here are some great ones: Psalm 139, Isaiah 43:4, Song of Songs 4:7, Luke 12:7, and Matthew 10:30-31.)
  • Meditate on 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 and imagine yourself as the object of love—of Jesus’ love and your own.
  • Practice speaking to yourself out-loud in kind and gentle ways. Contrast these responses with the old harsh ways, and see the difference.
  • Remind yourself to take care of the caregiver—you. Take a bath, listen to your favorite music, go on a walk, or write a letter to a good friend.
  • Remind yourself that you deserve all these things!  

Remember, perfection consists not in accomplishing every single one of your goals, gaining success, or being “productive.” Even if you accomplish nothing on your list but strive to love yourself anyway, you gain everything. (1 Cor 13:3). [xii] Let’s reject the world’s idea of perfection and all the self-bashing and remember that LOVE is the “bond of perfection” (Col 3:14). [xiii] Let’s commit to living a life filled with new beginnings each day, and may we have the courage and the humility to embrace a new life of love!

In His Heart,

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Thanksgiving: Not Just a Day, but a Lifestyle

11/25/2015

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Thanksgiving is traditionally set apart as a day for gathering with friends and family to enjoy delicious food and to be grateful for the gifts God has given us.  While having a designated day to give thanks is wonderful, perhaps we might ask ourselves: what if we were to celebrate not just a day, but a lifestyle of gratitude – in which thanksgiving truly permeates our each and every day? 
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Inspired by St. Francis of Assisi (among many other saints) we hold true that ‘in giving you receive’. Since God is never outdone in generosity, it is only fitting that in His great design there are ‘built-in’ blessings to the virtue of gratitude – psychological, physiological, relational and of course, spiritual. Therefore, when we give thanks, we’ll find that God multiplies that offering of a grateful heart and returns it back to us one hundred fold. So what natural benefits will you receive from ‘giving thanks?
 
Psychological/Physiological Benefits of Gratitude
 
In a study conducted by the National Institutes of Health, researchers monitored blood flow in different brain regions while subjects were instructed to direct their thoughts/feelings towards gratitude (Zahn et al, 2009). The results indicated higher levels of activity in the hypothalamus in those subjects who displayed more gratitude. Why is this important? Because the hypothalamus is the mega-center for the brain – controlling some of our most basic body functions – like eating, drinking and sleeping – not to mention that it also affects our metabolism and stress levels. The studies demonstrated that increased gratitude was linked to improvements in sleep and energy to exercise; as well as decreases in depression and anxiety – plus relief of physical aches/pains.
 
Another interesting discovery from the NIH research was that thoughts/feelings of gratitude directly activated brain regions associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine. What is dopamine? Dopamine is essentially responsible for controlling the brain’s pleasure and reward centers. In addition, it helps us to regulate our emotions and movements, not to mention it is also a key player when it comes to motivation. So, when you are practicing gratitude and ‘giving thanks’, your brain literally associates that as a reward – releasing that ‘feel-good’ neurotransmitter of dopamine! Not only that, but because that act of gratitude produced a positive response, your brain will reinforce this and motivate you to continue being grateful.
 
Emmons (2007) demonstrated through his research that thankfulness can also reduce blood pressure and lower risk of heart attack.  In a study conducted by Affleck (1993), it was discovered that even should a person suffer a heart attack, gratitude makes a positive difference in both their recovery and in predicting whether or not the person will suffer another heart attack in the future. Plus, those who received heart transplants showed a positive correlation between thankfulness and perceived mental/physical health a year after their transplant.
 
Lastly, numerous studies have shown that gratitude is linked to longevity of life. Snowdon (1986), famous for what has been affectionately dubbed ‘The Nun Study”, found that “the more positive emotions expressed in the life stories of these nuns (contentment, gratitude/thankfulness, happiness, hope and love), the more likely they were to still be alive six decades later.”
 
Relational Benefits of Gratitude

Many researchers have shown how gratitude is connected to improved quality of relationships. Algoe et al (2014) demonstrated that when couples acknowledged the kind things their partner had done for them and were grateful for them, their overall satisfaction with the relationship and feelings of connectedness increased.
 
In addition, many studies show how gratitude and generosity go hand in hand (Which is why “Thanks”-“giving” makes a good combo indeed). Those most keenly aware of their blessings are more likely to actually give thanks where it is due – to God or others.  This promotes an improved sense of community and belonging.
 
“A generous life is a connected life,” said Psychology Professor Mary True of Saint Mary’s College (2014). “We have known for a long time that the most critical moments of connection, the birth and the nurturing of an infant, are accompanied by the release of oxytocin, the trust hormone. A solid body of more recent research has demonstrated that other social interactions, including warm couple interactions, father-child play, and expressed gratitude, are linked to—and enhanced by—the release of oxytocin. We are biologically wired to give.”
 
Spiritual Benefits of Gratitude

Remember the study above that demonstrated how gratitude promotes increased activity in the hypothalamus? Another responsibility of the hypothalamus is moral cognition and subjective value judgments. In other words, it’s the part of the brain that contributes to our sense of conscience, the natural law that is written in human hearts informing us of what is right and what is wrong. So in essence gratitude makes your conscience stronger and more readily able to choose the light of truth over the darkness of sin. 
 
While many saints could speak of this, St. Ignatius had a particularly interesting perspective on the importance of gratitude for the spiritual life. According to him, the deadliest sin is ingratitude. He quoted it as being “the cause, beginning, and origin of all evils and sins.” Not pride, not lust, not wrath. Why ingratitude? Because if we aren’t truly immersed in the truth of God’s love and benevolence in our lives, we will look for other ways to fulfill ourselves. Addictions sink their dark grasp into our minds and hearts - whether it's to food, shopping, drugs, alcohol or pornography - precisely because these, too, activate dopamine neurotransmitters and reinforce vicious cycles of seeking out that same pleasure to feel some sense of 'goodness' (false though it may be). We fall into traps of comparing ourselves to others and jealousy reigns. We become bitter, negative and judgmental. We sin because we do not heed the counsel of Psalm 24 - we do not truly "taste and see the goodness of the Lord." In essence, we sin because gratitude does not prevail in our hearts. If we were keenly aware of God’s blessings in our lives, we would return the love He has showered upon us with thanksgiving, striving to love Him even more. How can we do this? By loving Christ in the Eucharist, in Adoration and especially in receiving His own body and blood in the Eucharist – because the word Eucharist itself means ‘thanksgiving’! Receiving the Eucharist and making a spiritual ‘thanksgiving’ in its truest sense can only produce beautiful spiritual fruits in our lives.
 
In John 10:10, Jesus states: “I came that they might have life, and have it in abundance.” Truly, God desires for us to be well – psychologically, physically, relationally and spiritually – so that we can live life in a way that truly glorifies Him. Having read the above benefits of gratitude we see clearly that…
 
God in His goodness
desires to bless us
when we bless Him
and those around us.

 

How can you resolve to make gratitude a more integral part of your daily life?
 
Here are a few suggestions:
  • Start your day off by giving thanks to God for the gift of life. If you’re not a ‘morning person’, give thanks for each thing that brings you some sense of comfort – your slippers, the sunrise out your window, your cup of coffee. It will help get you out of the rut of thinking “Blah…I hate being awake!”.
  • Pray at meals, giving thanks for the food you have to eat – and pray for those who go without.
  • Give thanks when exercising – for the ability to move and be healthy – something that so many wish they could do.
  • At the top of each hour of the day, pause and give thanks to the Lord for whatever is on your heart.
  • Give thanks whenever something good happens or when a problem was solved/crisis averted.
  • Express to at least one person a day how thankful you are for who they are in your life. If you can extend this practice to include each person in your immediate family, even better! It’s ok to be thankful for things they do, but also affirm that you are simply grateful that they exist. Delight in who they are!
  • Be thankful for your own existence, your own life, for who you are and how God created you to be uniquely different than anyone else.
  • Cultivate gratitude in your children by playing a gratitude game like “I spy something to be grateful for….” 
  • Keep a gratitude journal – write down a few things at the end of each day for which you are grateful.  
These are just a few ideas to get you started. Most anyone would readily admit ‘I should be more grateful,' but that doesn’t necessarily translate into making concrete changes. I challenge you to take 1-3 concepts of gratitude and truly strive to make them a daily habit. Remember, you have nothing to lose by giving thanks, but truly everything to gain! 
 
Have a blessed Thanksgiving day, but even more importantly, make it a blessed Thanksgiving life!

Paz,
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      Welcome!

    As a professional feature of Two Hearts Counseling, this blog will be addressing various psychological topics viewed through the lens of faith. Within each post you will find a heartfelt reflection, as well as a call to action. It is our hope that these articles may serve as   sparks of inspiration, education and encouragement to all who visit.

       ~Johanna 
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    Johanna Moch, MA, LPC          

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​ by moving hearts towards
healing and freedom through His merciful love.


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​while embracing Christian values and morals in accord with Church teachings.

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